| Contemplation |
[May. 8th, 2005|06:36 pm] |
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Sometimes I wonder if I'm horrible person when I imagine or dream about beating people in a blood rage wanting to tear them limb from limb. When I focus closely in a book passage about an animal or beast or werecreature tearing meat from bone, devouring flesh. I feel like I have too much anger inside and sometimes I fear and then appreciate what I could do with that anger. It feels like such power but then if you're to be a good person you can't do it or think it. If I were to be a jedi I could never be a pure jedi, good in the ways. Either I'd be neutral or I'd sink into world of the Sith where you become your anger and hate. The stupidity of others around you can provoke such feelings. I could become the better person and overcome it or give in to it. Sometimes temptation is just too much. I would love a wide open space to just run and scream into. This otherside I want to embrace so much but I hide it away or beat it away--I don't want them to see it or feel it. Why is it so terrifying? I know others share their own as well. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 17th, 2005|12:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Johnathan Davis+David Draidman=SLept so long | ] |
I had dreamt that I was on a large boat house on the lake. It was very misty through that time and we had been searching for something. I hadn't quite remembered what it was I think we were looking for someone or something we had seen that was dangerous. Be it a spirit or something that had killed someone.
I had gone into the restroom and there was a nightlight in there that slightly illuminated the room in soft light so I didn't turn on the light. It was an overcast day, looking rainy but not quite, being a little muggy. I was dabbing my face with a washcloth and then I started staring at my reflection, little flecks of light were etching across the surface of the glass while I was staring and I began to become entranced with it. I could feel a soft echoing voice in my mind or maybe it was in the room but I felt at ease and was drifting towards that voice. Someone was calling my name and I looked towards them. I could see myself in a third person perspective. (Oh my god it looked so cool!) My eyes were completely white, no iris nothing, blood was running down the corners of my mouth, blood running down the corners of my eyes as well and on my hands and my hands were clenching something and I was just digging my nails into it. Oddly...I was very pleased with myself.
I think I was possessed, halfway but allowing them to be there because I had so much anger in me.
I didn't really find this to be a nightmare I was just..sort of shocked of how I felt when I woke up. I was actually interested about this and loved how I looked in it and the feeling that I had felt during the dream. The blood...all that blood... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 3rd, 2005|03:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Darling Violetta | ] |
Demotivation. I've noticed that in a lot of profiles now a days on these listless journals.
What I've gathered from many is that "When something doesn't go as you want it to, blame everyone and blame yourself too. There must be something wrong with you if you didn't get what you want."
sometimes when someone you want to give you a chance doesn't..it might be for the best. It could turn out like something had in the past for you- something they know they dont want to be blamed for because they know it won't work
Not everyone is out to get you-that's not how the world works. So you can run away, you can deny and you can dismiss.
Is that person supposed to be your one true happiness? Of course not.
Now you think I'm talking about you, aren't you. You Yeah you think that. God You are so vain. Stop it.
;P
Who am I speaking to? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2004|03:17 am] |
"...For the beat that moves you to cry out
lets no man pass her way,
but so besets him that she slays him.
Her nature is so vicious and malign
her greedy appetite is never sated-
after she feeds she is hungrier than ever.
Many are the creatures that she mates with,
and there will yet be more, until the hound
shall come who'll make her die in pain.
He shall not feed on lands or lucre
but on wisdom, love and power.
Between felt and felt shall be his birth...'
'He shall hunt the beast through every town
till he has sent her back to Hell
whence primal envy set her loose."
Inferno I
96-105 & 109-111
x-posted. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 6th, 2004|04:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
Mwah. Miss me? I know I did. But I've got plans. But I'll be awake tomorrow night for sure-I'll be sleeping the day tomorrow but when night comes I'll be here. |
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| *Story on Dom* |
[Sep. 17th, 2004|01:16 am] |
* * * * *
The sword glistened in the moonlight as the hunter sat crouched beside the stone gargoyle watching the priest down below in the courtyard. He spoke quietly to an unknown shadow, passing traitorous secrets along and plots to rid of their current ruler and goddess Ashayla. Ashayla was a woman who most men had died for and desired for just a touch of her pale, silky skin. She ruled the Dark Realm with an ‘Iron Fist’, so to say. She also controlled the millions of female dragon ryders that lived in the realm. Whatever was her bidding was done. Then there were those who disagreed with the way she controlled the realm, and they were willing to do anything, even betray their own beliefs in their creators: Durandi and Merilka. Thus the bounty for the Priest’s head was placed and there was Domino as always preparing another merciless kill.
It was actually quite boring for her. No real challenge in this, the only real satisfaction she ever got was the fears in their eyes as she made a personal appearance up close to take their life. Lord FyreWynde would be very displeased if he knew about her showing herself to her victims. However there was never anyone left over to tell.
Her eyes focused on him once more feeling her primal urges sift in; she could hear his pounding heartbeat, wondering if something dangerous was close by. She could hear his blood rushing which made her mouth tremble in anticipation. She hungered for a taste…but no…she was never allowed to feed on them. There mustn’t be any sign that any of the drak had done this.
Just as the documents were being handed over she leapt from her perch into the air. Her dark brown cloak wrapped around her body tightly as she unsheathed her sword in just mere seconds. Before they knew it she was crouched on the ground with a lopsided smile on her face, fangs having already protruded. The figure beside the priest turned to flee but with a mere flick of the wrist Domino cut him off, the savage blades digging into his flesh. She grinned intensely as she brought it deeper into his stomach watching as the front of his clothes began to stain a crimson color. He tried to cry out but it was soon choked off by blood and he sunk to the ground. Twisting the blade again she turned around and faced the priest. Adding to the intimidation she raised the blade to her mouth and ran her tongue down it, gathering a long train of blood onto the tip.
“What the hell do you want with me?!” The priest sputtered in fear as he tried to back away. Domino slowly licked her lips and stood up in her full height eyeing the priest with her eerie saffron colored eyes. She merely held her arm straight out with the armed weapon, tip facing him.
“The underworld is calling you dear Priest. It is about time that you paid for your blasphemous ways and be made an example for the rest who dares to go against the Dark Goddess.” She said darkly. He swallowed in disbelief as the assassin stepped close to him. He could smell blood and death on her as she breathed on him. “Time to pay the piper.” She whispered vehemently as the blade closed in on his neck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(So that’s the end of that part. Just basically an introduction to the character and beginning. ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2004|12:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Metallica-Sad But True | ] |
Shit. Perhaps this neighborhood isn't as safe as I thought it was... O_O' |
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| Slumping |
[Sep. 14th, 2004|11:02 pm] |
I've had dreams surrounding of blood again- I'm not to sure what it has to do with. Blood usually means life or life force but those who take it or share it?
Eh-who knows.
All I've wanted to do lately is sleep. Despite the dreams I just feel weak almost all the time especially during daylight and then when the sun is gone and it's well into the night I feel more energetic and awake. It wouldn't matter if I went to sleep earlier, I've gone to sleep at 9 p.m. before and still felt weak when I was up during the day.
I feel like I'm in a slump right now but it's understandable. School,work,home,school,work,home. Slump right there, that's right. I found this on msn as well which makes sense to me since I've gone through this and don't know if I still am or not.
Burning out-in school or work:
1. Chronic fatigue - exhaustion, tiredness, a sense of being physically run down
2. Anger at those making demands
3. Self-criticism for putting up with the demands
4. Cynicism, negativity, and irritability
5. A sense of being besieged
6. Exploding easily at seemingly inconsequential things
7. Frequent headaches and gastrointestinal disturbances
8. Weight loss or gain
9. Sleeplessness and depression
10. Shortness of breath
11. Suspiciousness
12. Feelings of helplessness
13. Increased degree of risk taking
That's how you can tell if you've burned out or not or just the major symptoms of them. |
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| Lucid Dreams missing |
[Sep. 13th, 2004|11:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Prodigy- Crystal Fist | ] |
So I've lost the ability to lucid dream as of late and so my dreams have taken horrible turns. That is when I really do get to sleep. My last dream I had dreamt that I was still looking fairly young and had a daughter in her teenage years but she was the most unruely daughter I had witnessed and both of us had explosive tempers and were extremely stubborn. We had another arguement and she actually picked something up and hit me with it. I lost my temper and literally put my hands around her throat and began to choke her screaming in curses. I literally lost my mind and knocked her to the ground trying to kill her, I couldn't take it.
I snapped out of that dream luckily, I think I snorted while doing that too... weird. The others I can't really remember but they haven't been peaceful but I continue to want to just sleep all the time. My body aches horribly just as it did yesterday.
I think I've forgotten what it was that I really wanted... |
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| Journal Entry of a Vampire |
[Sep. 12th, 2004|10:01 pm] |
*Journal Entry 1 *
I think that I remember the experiments the most. Just a hallow pain and a faint smell of sulfur and rusted metal. I was always blinded by this green glow, so there was no sight I could remember from back then except for the occasional bubble.
Liquid, I was in liquid but I could breathe? How?
A tube down my throat, I remember that I almost gagged when he shoved it down my throat. He? He who?
He made me what I am today. The assassin, the thief, she who feeds on the fears of others. They are all cowards anyways. I’m not allowed to feel love, pain, and remorse, fear or regret; I can only feel the rage that surges through my blue veins, it drives me to kill. I am good use to the master but not worthy. It’s harder to remember being a child but I think at one time I called my master father… |
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